Polite Walls, Silent Wars: Why Some Women Don’t Support Each Other
There’s a particular kind of silence that hangs in some rooms. Not the peaceful kind. The kind laced with tension, with unspoken questions and polite glances that never quite turn into real eye contact. It’s the silence between two women, one seasoned, accomplished, guarded. The other hungry, hopeful, and just beginning to rise.
And while no one says it out loud, the message often travels clearly: Don’t expect too much. I made it without help. You should too.
This is not a rant. This is a reckoning. Because the truth is, we cannot talk about empowerment, sisterhood, or women supporting women without acknowledging the fracture lines running through the middle.
This is about what happens when women, especially powerful women, don’t support other women. And most painfully, when they don’t support the younger ones coming up behind them.
What We Don’t Want to Admit
There’s a form of hostility that’s so elegant, so professional, you’d almost miss it. It’s in the mentor who “just doesn’t have time.” The senior leader who shows up to the women’s event but never once engages meaningfully with a junior woman. The icy emails. The subtle corrections. The sting in the “I was just giving feedback.”
And yes, it’s all very polite. But let’s be honest: sometimes it’s war dressed in a blazer and soft pink lipstick.
So let’s name what’s really going on.
From the Senior Side: What’s Beneath the Silence
Not all women in power behave this way, but many who do aren’t malicious. They’re hurt. They’re tired. And in some cases, they’re scared.
Here’s what may be sitting beneath the cool distance:
The Scarcity Script They were told there was only room for one. The first one. The lucky one. The token one. That’s a tough story to unlearn.
The Survival Hangover They had to claw their way to the top. Maybe no one mentored them. Maybe they were bullied, belittled, or told to “toughen up.” Now they pass that same toughness down like a cursed inheritance.
Insecurity and Aging Watching a confident, glowing, younger woman walk into the room can trigger a deep, unspoken ache. Jealousy is taboo in these circles, but that doesn’t make it disappear.
Fear of Losing Influence There’s a fear of becoming obsolete. Of being replaced. Of no longer being the woman in the room.
Performance Pressure When you’re one of the only women at the table, failure feels public. Risk feels personal. Supporting another woman who might make mistakes can feel like a gamble.
Emotional Exhaustion Years of microaggressions, proving themselves, and playing survival politics takes a toll. Some are simply too drained to give more.
Imposter Echoes Even high-achieving women can carry old doubts. Supporting someone else might trigger their own question: “Who am I to guide anyone?”
Past Trauma Maybe she once opened a door for a younger woman, and got stabbed in the back. Now, every eager newcomer looks like a potential threat.
Cultural and Racial Bias Sometimes, friction is coded. Nationality. Accent. Skin tone. A subconscious discomfort that mutates into exclusion.
Recycled Behavior She might simply be repeating what was done to her. Not out of cruelty, but habit. This is how she was taught women survive.
Before We Blame: How This Actually Feels
Let’s pause here. Because before we jump into what younger women might be missing, let’s acknowledge what it’s like on the receiving end of that cool indifference.
It hurts. You walk into the room, hopeful, eager, maybe even a little nervous… And you’re met with polite distance. A tight smile. A sense that your presence is an inconvenience, not an invitation.
You wonder: Did I say something wrong? Did I come off too confident? Too casual? Too much?
The silence feels like judgment. The lack of warmth feels like rejection. And over time, it starts to erode something inside you. Not all at once, but slowly, like a drip of “not quite enough.”
You start to believe that the path ahead is lonely. That you’ll have to figure it out on your own. That the very people who should understand you most… don’t want to.
For many young women, this experience leads to:
Shrinking their voice
Overthinking their worth
Distrusting other women
And walking into rooms already braced for impact
And that’s the real loss, when we lose trust before we ever get a chance to build it.
If You’re a Younger Woman: How to Respond Without Shrinking
We know it hurts. The silence, the sting, the resistance. But don’t let it shut you down. Let it sharpen your strategy.
Here’s how to hold your power and your grace:
Don’t personalize, analyze Ask yourself: What’s behind this behavior? Is it fear? Fatigue? A past wound? Something cultural? Most of the time, it’s not about you. Don’t carry a weight that isn’t yours.
Lead with curiosity, not expectation Instead of asking for mentorship, ask for stories. “What was your biggest challenge in your first leadership role?” opens more doors than “Can you mentor me?”
Let respect walk ahead of you Even if someone is cold, don’t mirror it. Respond with maturity. It’s a power move, not a performance.
Seek support across, not just above Build sisterhood sideways. Find women at your level. Grow together. And remember, your mentor might be a peer in disguise.
Be generous, even when it’s hard Acknowledge a senior woman’s success. Celebrate her presence. You’d be surprised how many women soften when they feel seen for more than their title.
Play the long game Relationships take time. Trust takes effort. Impact takes patience. Not everyone will get you. But that doesn’t mean you stop showing up with heart.
The Cost of This Divide
This tension, unspoken, ongoing, costs us far more than we realize.
It doesn’t just block career growth. It poisons possibility. It infects culture. It keeps us small. We lose:
Legacy: Wisdom isn’t passed down. Lessons get buried. And every woman has to start from scratch, again and again.
Unity: When we don’t trust each other, we lose the power of the collective. We stay fragmented. Easy to overlook. Easy to silence.
Courage: Younger women shrink. Older women isolate. No one speaks freely. And the cycle of silence wins.
Representation: Fewer women rise with support. Fewer succeed sustainably. The world gets fewer examples of what women-led leadership could be.
Innovation: When experience and fresh thinking don’t mix, both lose out. Greatness needs both roots and wings.
Worst of all? It reinforces the oldest lie in the book: that there’s only room for one of us. And we internalize that scarcity so deeply, we start enforcing it ourselves.
Rebuilding the Bridge: What Each Side Can Actually Do
We don’t need performative panels or company hashtags. We need micro-movements, intentional, repeated, real. Let’s break it down
1. If You’re a Senior Woman in Power: Be the Bridge, Not the Gate
You’ve earned your seat. Now use it to change the table.
Here’s what rebuilding looks like:
Practice legacy, not protectionism Share your story. Share your failures. Let younger women see the full, messy, triumphant arc, not just the highlight reel.
Offer access without ego Invite her to the meeting. Loop her into the conversation. Not because she’s earned it perfectly, but because that’s how learning works.
Affirm publicly, correct privately Praise in front of others. Give feedback one-on-one. Model the kind of leadership we all wish we’d had.
Be honest about fear It’s okay to say, “It’s been hard for me to let others in.” Vulnerability from the top doesn’t make you weak. It makes you unforgettable.
Ask questions, not just give advice “What do you need right now?” “What would support look like to you?” Sometimes, that question is the bridge.
2. If You’re a Younger Woman: Show Up With Intent, Not Just Expectation
You don’t need to be perfect. But you do need to be thoughtful. Here’s how to meet the bridge halfway:
Don’t just seek guidance, build relationships Start with curiosity, not a request. Learn who she is before asking what she can do for you.
Lead with gratitude, not entitlement Even if the door feels heavy, knock with kindness. A thank-you goes further than you think.
Observe and adapt without losing your voice Yes, be authentic. But also be strategic. Different generations speak different languages, learn to translate without silencing yourself.
Offer value Ask, “Is there something I can support you with?” Even small gestures shift power dynamics.
Build a record of consistency Trust takes time. Keep showing up. Let your actions speak before your asks do.
3. If You’re an Organization: Stop Talking Sisterhood and Start Structuring It
If you want women to support each other, you can’t just wish it into existence. You have to design for it. Here’s how:
Ditch the one-size-fits-all mentorship program Instead, offer multi-generational peer circles, reverse mentoring, and story-sharing formats that create mutual visibility, not hierarchy.
Recognize and reward collaboration Too many orgs only promote individual wins. Start celebrating team lifts, co-mentorship moments, and women who advocate for others.
Train for relational intelligence, not just technical skills Build workshops around conflict navigation, intergenerational collaboration, and unconscious bias, including among women.
Create safe storytelling spaces Host fireside chats or internal podcasts where women share their journeys, real ones, not polished scripts.
Set expectations from leadership Make it known: supporting women isn’t extracurricular. It’s part of leadership KPIs.
Let’s Build the Women’s Club, Not the Wall
We’ve inherited a system that rewards division, praises stoicism, and punishes softness. But that’s not the club we want to belong to.
The next chapter of women in leadership can’t just be about power. It has to be about presence. And presence means showing up for each other, even when it’s hard, even when it’s awkward, even when we’re afraid.
Because the real power move? Making room for her, even when no one made room for you.
Time To Tell the Stories That Build Bridges
Let’s be clear: we’re not here to start a firestorm of blame. We’re here to build something better.
Yes, the hard stories matter, but so do the hopeful ones. The moments when a senior woman saw something in you before you saw it in yourself. The one who cracked open the door, who gave you a shot, who made space even when she didn’t have to.
Tell those stories. Because when we amplify what’s possible, we invite more of it into existence.
And if you’ve lived the harder version, where the door stayed closed, share it with compassion. Tell us what happened. Tell us what you learned. Tell us what might have been going on beneath the surface. Not to excuse it, but to understand it. That’s how we evolve.
We don’t need another war story. We need wisdom, reflection, and vision for the kind of leadership culture we actually want to create.
Final Thoughts!
“The real revolution? Women choosing not to compete, but to connect, with clarity, courage, and no scorecard.”
We don’t need more curated panels or performative quotes. We need truth. Grace. And a bold refusal to tear each other down to get ahead.
We’re not too much. We’re not imagining it. And We’re not stuck. There is a better way, and we get to build it.
The bottom line? We’re not here to shrink, compete, or perform. We’re here to lead differently, and to make that difference ripple.
🤔 Have you felt this tension before, from either side? What shifted it, if anything? Reply here or DM me, I want to keep this dialogue going.
📌 If this hit somewhere deep, pass it forward. This isn’t just about awareness. It’s about action, reflection, and showing up differently
♻️Know a woman caught in silent rivalry or healing from being dismissed, excluded, or overlooked? Share this with her. Let her know: she’s not alone, and she’s not the problem.
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